Torturous
by apagedmelody
Summary: Alaska Young's last hours. Her last thoughts and feelings. Her last words.


**_"Wipe away your tear stains_**  
**_Thought you said you didn't feel pain"_**

_**-**__ Landfill, Daughter._

"Pudge isn't even listening to us" I said through my numb lips. My mind was on its usual foggy state because of all the drinking we have all done that night.

The truth was, that even if I said it and tried to achieve it, I did not really want to die. The thought of death was appealing but deep inside I knew I did not want to die. Yes, I smoked and drank much. Hell, a lot more than a sane person would. I did those things because they made me feel something; the alcohol made me dizzy and a state of happiness, while the smoke brought a raspy feeling to my throat. That's it, they made me feel something.

I remember how many people have asked me why did I drink or smoked or both, the answer was either a shrug or I ignored the person entirely. But never in my life have I answered the truth, not even when I told Pudge I smoked to die; well, it was not entirely true.

"I'm listening" said Pudge. His voice was slower than usual, an effect of the wine.

"We ere just talking about Truth or Dare. Played out in seventh grade or still cool?" I asked. I heard his voice make a slow reply saying he had never played and obviously that made it, we had to play.

"Truth or Dare?" I demanded Pudge for the second time, he had already forbidden me from making him kiss the Colonel.

"Dare" he answered. This time when he spoke he looked me square in the eyes. Those round, innocent eyes.

Many people considered me a puzzle, a weird mind they could not understand. That's the bad thing about people. They always try to understand you, to find an specific place for you on their lives. Like you are another addition to their lives when most of the persons who one will ever meet on one's life are insignificant. Why even bother? I mostly didn't, I only took the time to get to know the people I knew were interesting.

But, how can someone want to get to know someone when that someone barely even know themselves? Who is Alaska Young? That simple question made my head hurt. Some said I had different personalities but I was convinced I did not. Yes, my attitude varied, it depended on who I was with. Everybody did it, some unintentionally.

That's why I liked to spend time with Pudge, I liked myself when I was with him. I knew he fancied me, even if he had Lara both of us knew who was fooling who. On the other hand, I had Jake, the boyfriend I had never cheated on. Ever. But, Pudge was a friend and that was it.

I knew Pudge would never convince me he could be more than a friend to me. Even if he did I would not allow it. I knew I would just fuck with his mind, screw the Pudge I knew and leave behind some stranger. That's why, knowing all this I dared Pudge.

"Hook up with me" I said, a smirk on my lips.

He got up and made his way toward my space on the floor. Right before our lips met I looked once more into his eyes, they were shinning looking at my lips. I knew right there I was giving that guy what he wanted, I knew it was not fair for him and I could have stopped him but I could not because deep down I wanted to kiss Pudge. I wanted to feel his lips against mine and know I was actually kissing someone who mattered, someone who loved me. Not wanting to wait any longer I leaned into him and felt his kiss.

At first it was awkward and he started to ask questions and I shushed him, repetitively. Not once parting our lips I moved so I was lying on to of him and I felt him move until he was comfortable enough. I took his hand, the one I had once placed on my stomach and moved it up. He took the hint and with his hand underneath my shirt he moved it toward my chest. Pudge cupped one of my breasts and squeezed lightly, unlike many of the guys I have been with.

Physically I was there with Pudge, but my mind was elsewhere. I was thinking how this small act would hurt not only Pudge but Lara and Jake. I knew I had to stop, make Pudge stop.

"This is so fun" and it indeed was, "but I'm so sleepy. To be continued?" I asked giving Pudge one last kiss, without waiting for an answer I moved and put my head on his chest. We didn't have sex or got to see each other naked. Before I drifted completely into sleep I heard Pudge mutter something.

"I love you, Alaska Young" he have said. Love? That was a problem and I knew I had to fix it, but I have not lied when I said I was tired. I made myself promise to fix things with Pudge when I woke up the next day.

I did not know how much time have passed since Pudge and I feel asleep when the phone rang. Trying hard not to move enough to wake Pudge I went to get the call.

"Jake" I said recognizing the voice on the other end of the line. The first thought that came through my mind was not how I have kissed another guy just hours or minutes ago; but how I forgot to take a pilot or something to doodle while I was on the phone.

"Miss Young" answered Jake. I could practically hear the smile on his voice and I couldn't help but smile.

We didn't talk for long, it was too early anyway. We talked about everything and nothing on that phone call, all that while I looked around the booth and messed other people's doodled with my nails. But one doodle made me stop. It was a small white flower. I remembered when I drew that flower, it had been a long time ago. Yet, here it was not even a little dirty, there it was with all it's white glory.

I couldn't talk coherently after that, all that was going through my mind was "White flowers" and "How could I forget?" and "You are such a fuck up, Alaska Young". And really, how could I? It haven't even been a decade. All I knew is that I needed to go there, no matter the cost. I was needed on that place.

"I have to get out of here!" I cried once I ended the phone call and walked back into the room, not caring for the noise this time.

I heard Pudge say something and saw form the corner of my eye the Colonel sit up from his place on the floor. "I JUST HAVE TO GO. HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE!" I shouted seeing neither of them move. Could they not see my world was tumbling down? I have fucked up so bad! My legs gave away and I sat on the floor with my head between my legs trying to take deeps breaths. I knew both of them were asking questions but I could not hear any of their words, all I heard was her sweet voice and the promise I have made of never forgetting, never leaving.

"Start the car when you hear the second string" I heard the Colonel say over my sobs. Those were his last words on my world.

Once the boys left me alone I left my room and went to look for flowers. White flowers. I needed white flowers. White flowers made everything better, just like she had one made everything better.

"Alaska" someone said, turning I saw Takumi.

"White flowers, I need white flowers!" I mumbled under my breath.

"Wha-"

"My mother, Takumi! Fuck! How much can a person fuck everything up!" I said, tears making their way down my face. "She died eight years ago and I forgot! How could I forget? I need flowers, Takumi. And I can not find any fucking flower" I shouted at him looking around, my body turning trying to look everywhere at once.

"HELP ME!" I shouted with more force. And there's where I heard it, the first string. I needed to get to the car! But I had no flowers! No, I did. Jake's flowers where at my car.

I ran all the way to the car, leaving Takumi behind. Once I was about to open the door I heard the second string. My signal. I put the key on the ignition and turned it.

"I am so sorry" I said under my breath repetitively while I was driving. She had given me her last day, yet I forgot about her last.

All that went through my mind was about all the fun we have had that day on the zoo and the monkeys, how much fun we have had looking for flowers. My foggy mind was going through all my memories with my mom when I saw a light at my right on the distance. It was another car, but I could not stop, I needed to get to my mother and giver her the flowers.

I was sure the other car would stop, I was sure the other driver had seen me. I was wrong.

The impact have lasted less than a second yet it felt like the longest wait I have done on my life. I saw the man's face make a transition from normalcy into fear, saw in slow motion as his car crashed into mine and how mine started to turn. My hair flew everywhere and made it hard for me to see what was going around me.

I was so stupid! I knew right there and then I would die.

"Who will give you your flowers" I thought. "I am so sorry".

I did not feel anything, I did not feel any pain. Not even when I saw a metal peace trans passing my middle, I felt liquid make its way out my mouth and I was sure it was blood. There was blood everywhere. Was it from me? It had to be but I did not feel pain. Yet, I was scared and sad.

Scared because this was not how I have imagined my death and because after everything I could not answer my question. Was death really the answer to the end of my labyrinth of pain? And I was sad because after all the time I have been spending with Pudge I have developed a little obsession with last words and I could not remember most of the last words of the people I cared about.

That's it, I was sad because I could not remember. And I smiled. I smiled because right before I died I was sad and that meant I felt something other than numbness.

"My great perhaps was the way out the labyrinth" I said.

And those were my last words.

**I do not own any of these amazing and well thought characters, they all belong to John Green.**

**Okay, I know this sucks but please don't hate me for it.**

**Alaska's mind really was a puzzle, this is how I saw it. You may have seen it differently so please don't hate!**

**Cheers:)**


End file.
